Connie's Story

Click this link to go to the start of Connie's story. Once you have finished the first blog post, move up the page to the next (most recent is at the top).

At One with the World

It seems hard to believe Connie has only been home a couple of weeks. They are into a routine, out by day, in at night to ensure rest time for the leg to keep healing. Connie often lays flat out in the stable - Mouse has almost no room to move, for she is a fair size now, as you can see. It's hard to believe we were able to pick her up and carry her into the trailer to go to 'horspital' just 3 months ago. Such a contrast to the human baby!

I had the most touching of moments when I took two close friends to see her. Mouse and Connie were at the furthest side of the field. Connie looked up at us and then cantered over in the most perfect straight line to us coming to a perfectly balanced halt with her muzzle on my outstretched hand. It felt like she was saying "thank you - you're my friend... " My friends were certainly impressed - for even at her size we were all aware of the power within as she came towards us..

Everyone is amazed at how friendly yet also how calm and at ease with life she is - no issues with distrusting humans after all the interactions she has had. It was the right decision for sure.

24/8/07 It's Party Time!

The picture I dreamed of. Visualised along with others in her future, here is Connie at home in a field for the first time. The dark front leg is the one, still shaved... but looking good.

Luckily Sarah had warned us what would happen - Mouse slightly sedated, would eat, and connie would go around her in circles at increasing speed with a fair few bucks!!


Words are not really necessary!

Why bother?

Connie has healed well enough to come home. The bone is looking strong, she no longer needs a heel extension to support the tendons, Mouse and Connie have been out in a pen for several hours each day, able to skip around as foals do. The future is finally looking brighter. Even the surgeon said he was extremely pleased with progress!!

As this stage of Connie's story comes to a close, I can say that, along the way, a few people have asked me why I was bothering. The long term reality is that I am keeping this foal with a high possibility of not being able to ride her. A foal with a likely destiny as a broodmare does not make commercial sense, no matter how sweet she is or how tragic the story. After all, it costs as much to keep a crocked horse as a sound one. I could buy several youngsters for the price of this operation and her care to date.... Their logic seems impeccable.

For me at the point of decision all those weeks ago, it was simple : this little foal, that I had helped come into the world, seemed to want to live. My instinct was that the 'right thing' was to give it a chance, against the odds, carefully considering the potential suffering versus the possibility of living. And somehow I trust that if I do the right thing it will sort itself out in the long term. So far, Connie seems to have taken the opportunity, and that is enough.

But these questions have made me realise the whole issue of our relationship with nature, and how it is driven by money. The core belief seems to be - if it doesn't benefit us directly, why bother...? The complexity of the system, and our implicit interrelation with it, are too often ignored.

It made me think of a couple of quotes that capture this core issue in the whole sustainability agenda, more of which can be found at the end of the sustainable tactics website...

We abuse land because we regard it as a commodity belonging to us. When we see land as a community to which we belong, we may begin to use it with love and respect. Aldo Leopold, A Sand County Almanac

Only when the last tree is cut, only when the last river is polluted, only when the last fish is caught, will they realise that you can't eat money Native American proverb

7/8/07 Seeing the light...

Ten days on from her operation and little Connie is not so little - her head now sees over the stable door and she's itching to get into some wider fields! She is well muscled from all that pirouetting around the box, sound, with the leg fully weightbearing. Everyone is so pleased. "..A million times better than I expected.. " said one visitor, who was not known to exagerate beforehand...

So Connie is growing up, feeling good and ready to get out and face the world. Looking into the light....

I think Mouse has felt the brunt of her exuberance - a scar on her shoulder that could only have come from a nip of those baby teeth, and tenderness on her sides from a kick perhaps? Why are children so tough on their parents?!

Mouse will be well pleased to be out too.. no-one told her that motherhood could be like this either. She has been so unlucky, yet losing the foal would not have been easy for her either. It may not be long until they come home - one more X-Ray. What a responsibility for me to take on though...

30/7/07 Is compassion an instinct?

Connie's story seems to strike a chord with many people who are following her progress. I have been touched at the feedback about this blog. One friend summed up the impact it had on her as follows: -

"..Tears - because I was thinking of how you felt, how brave Connie was still bouncing about in spite of it, and the relief of things apparently working against all odds, and the mixed feelings of courage and excitement in being the first to go ahead with this..."

It made me think about compassion, and as I was driving to the station early one morning - there was a perfect demonstration. In the middle of the country lane was a cluster of pigeons. They scattered as the car approached, leaving one, floundering in the middle of the road. I stopped, picked it up. The wings were fine, it seemed winded, as if hit on the breast bone by a car had temporarily affected its ability to fly. The others had come back to be with it... I moved it to a thick verge, a chance to recover (perhaps..)

But what I could not get out of my mind was the sight of the other pigeons there, the sense of community, caring, whatever words I use from the human experience, the reality could not be dismissed. They were there with, and for, their injured fellow pigeon... It was simply behaviour hardwired into their instinct rather then because they consciously 'should' be concerned for it. Do we care enough for others? Such questions and lessons from 'other-than-human beings' are all around us.

By synchronicity, I then found the following quote from dear Albert Einstein:

A human being is part of the whole, called by us 'universe,' a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Horses seem to offer us many life lessons, with Connie they seem to have been packed into one intense series of emotional experiences! As her situation becomes less critical, I will develop this blog to acknowledge some of these wider learnings. Thanks for reading on..

26/7/07 Yet another milestone...

Yesterday Connie had the big op – removing the plate and screws. This felt even more nerveracking than the first as we have come so far. It came out well - I even have them as a keepsake. It was actually very pleasing to see the Xray with the join healed over so well. So now it is the long wait to see how the other tissues recover and how well they will work together.

Interestingly the vets still talk about her chances of 'survival' which feels quite negative, but it is a reflection of the tough job they have in their field where such decisions are being taken every day. It was lovely to see how pleased all the staff at Rossdale's were to see them again and I guess it is a refelction of the sense of hope that she brings with her having made such good progress so far.

Other than that it was broken I have not referred much to the injury, but my good friend and veterinary accupuncture specialist Sue Devereux (author of the best Veterinary book for Horse owners, just republished) described it as 'catastrophic' when she saw the original pictures - I can't quite bring myself to publish them here. But that gives an indication of quite how special this case is...

I found a quote by Marianne Williamson which feels relevant and ties in the importance of making the right decision for Connie all those weeks ago. I knew this little foal wanted its chance, now I am wondering whether in some way she will help others heal. Certainly her story seems to inspire people ...

"..The secret of success is to realize that the crisis on our planet is much larger than just deciding what to do with your own life, and if the system under which we live - the structure of western civilization - begins to collapse because of our selfishness and greed, then it will make no difference whether you have $1 million dollars when the crash comes or just $1.00. The only work that will ultimately bring any good to any of us is the work of contributing to the healing of the world..."

19/7/07 Little things make a BIG difference

Connie is making very good progress and with Sarah Stoneham's guidance has now had her feet trimmed by a specialist farrier and a 'heel extension' has been glued on that will encourage her tendons to develop correctly. It is remarkable to see the leg in a normal position - fully weight bearing - and it gives a renewed sense of energy about her future.

I can only begin to appreciate the depth of their expertise. For instance Mouse & Connie are moved to different surfaces during the day that stimulate the new bone to form. The nutrition and stress levels of Mouse are considered - (she is coping very well). So, day by day, they are making all sorts of little adjustments to their care. It makes up a classic example of systems thinking and holistic management at its best.

When I look back and forward I can see it is a very long journey. The decision was made and now all its consequences are following through. So there is no point in wondering whether I did the right thing or not. However it is good to know that Connies' case, being so groundbreaking, will be part of a veterinary knowledge bank of how foals can heal from similiar injuries. Judging from the other responses I have had, this story is also acting as a trigger for dialogue about some of the broader topics I am introducing, such as positivity, synchronicity, and even complexity. So her story may also have a wider impact than I could ever predict...

For instance Jean Boulton wrote to remind me that one of the central themes in complexity thinking is that large-scale change starts with small, connected events. She added the following quote from William James :

I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big success and I am for those tiny invisible, loving human forces that work from individual to individual, creeping through the crannies of the world like so many soft rootlets, or like the capillary oozing of water, yet which, if given time, will rend the hardest monuments of pride.

More comments welcome!

2/7/07 Don't make any plans...

Connie has continued to be comfortable and is reported to be 'pinging' around the box! You can see how much she has grown as she can just about see over the door! Sarah has made a new removeable cast for Connie which can be applied over the 'robert jones' bandage and can be taken on and off for periods of time daily to help wean her off that level of support over the next couple of weeks.

I received the formal report of her treatment from Rossdale's which was interesting. She is such a resolute little foal, but knowing that there is so much wider learning coming from this and that it gives other foals hope in the future helps me know I made the right decision. It's still going to be a long journey.....

So I was asking Sarah about the likelihood of what will happen next, trying to plan when Connie and Mouse might come home. '..Don't make any plans..' she said 'one day at a time, because the course and duration may change.....' The wisdom took me straight back to a workshop I had attended with Dr Jean Boulton an amazing Complexity Consultant with a PhD in Quantum Physics. She now focuses on the issues of getting organisations to manage sustainably in these times of increasing complexity and chaos. The key message I took is that it is ok to have plans and a big picture, but also that it is important to let go of trying to manage it. We need to be fully responsive to what is happening in the here and now in order to move towards creating the end result. And of course there is never an end...

Applying this, we all share the big picture of mare and foal safe and sound out at grass. Only when the next xray is taken we can decide when the next operation will be. When the operation is over we may guess at how long it could take to heal... then we can see how comfortable Connie is, and based on that, then consider if the ground is suitable for them to go out safely etc etc. What we should not do in any complex situation is start to over plan - that cuts down our responsiveness to what is actually happening in the here and now. I wonder if this reminder is as helpful to you in any area of your life as it has been to me...?! Comments welcome!

25/6/07 Time to reflect

The remarkability of Connie’s recovery continues. 3.5 weeks on, she is now in a soft cast which will reduce in size with each re-application, so the leg is more weightbearing now. She looks a bit lame for the first time, since the hard cast saved her carrying much weight on it before.

However that had risks as the ‘good’ leg ends up taking all the strain, which on a bouncy foal is quite a lot. The vets are therefore balancing the risk of damaging the good leg and its growth plates with the chance of the break giving way around the plate and screws. And there are secondary issues of the tendons and ligaments not developing at the same rate as the other leg...

It is a very real lesson on complexity and systems thinking and I can only have humble respect for the knowledge and care that the vets, Andy Bathe and Sarah Stoneham are pouring into this little foal.

We were given the all clear to move her and Mouse just 10 miles down the road to a specialist mare and foal unit in Newmarket run by Sarah. It’s nerve-racking to transport such a delicate load when the vet keeps reminding you that it is an unstable fracture and could still collapse at any time. Charlie – what a wonderful friend - came with me and drove them in the trailer. Connie was good to load (well – she was virtually carried in !) and travelled quietly with Mouse.

In fact the surgeon - Andy Bathe - actually told Sarah that he was now ‘very bullish’ about her chances…that’s more positive than he is with me!! Every day achieved is good news towards increasing it from the current 60:40. As well as realising how obsessive I have been over these last few weeks (!) I have begun to think more widely around the lessons learned. More of which shortly.

Again many thanks for all your interest and support – keep willing her to heal well, for I am sure that this positive energy is a key part of her recovery, supporting the incredible veterinary care she has had. It really makes me wonder how science and positivity, or 'consciousness' could work together more easily rather than at variance as they seem to be.. Last year I had the experience of 'seeing with new eyes' as I watched new lenses being put into my eyes during two cataract operations. That made me feel just as humble as this, now I know there is a place for both mindsets to acknowledge each other. The question is how....

16/6/07 So Scary...

Just 3 weeks old yet another increase in headcollar size was necessary, her quarters are at mouse’s stifle now. She is still coping very well, feeding and resting as all babes do. And oh, so friendly and inquisitive, loves her ears being massaged and can be scratched all over.

Scarily she manages to get a remarkable amount of speed up in the stable and has already perfected canter pirouette and is now practicing courbettes which are little rears followed by a leap in the air. No wonder the surgeon doesn’t like to watch, for this is where all his work and our prayers could be unravelled.... Mouse is a bit more fed up, so we need them both to be fit to move at the end of next week to the specialist stud in Newmarket which should be a bit more appropriate for her.

13/6/07 Another Milestone

The fracture has a plate with 4 screws – only this week did I discover quite what cutting edge this represents in such a young foal - basically this is a first! The reason the vet took it on was her lightness, being so very young, and that she was still feeding. She likes having her homeopathic remedy - which is sprayed on her muzzle and is now off antibiotics, with the wound site well healed. Amazingly she has never been on pain killers, which is good as they are able to monitor how she is coping more closely.

Even the surgeon says she is a nice foal (and he admits he doesn’t say that often!) Perhaps most surprisingly (for those that know her!) the staff at Newmarket say they have found out Mouse’s soft side and I therefore know they are in good hands. They remain really pleased with her progress, although the odds are still 50-50.

So this week is the next big milestone – today she was put into a 'soft cast' so there is more load on the leg, which is necessary to encourage the new bone to grow. Also the hard cast would tend to rub and cause pressure. However it means that the whole bone is vulnerable as it will not have hardened much, so it could fall apart – almost literally as she puts weight through the operation site. (apologies for the poor scientific content here folks!)

Presuming all goes well she will then move to a specialist foal care unit with Mouse with my old university friend and vet Sarah Stoneham, until the leg is healed well enough for the plate to be removed – it saves her travelling up & down from Sussex again. Your thoughts, prayers, good wishes - whatever, so long as it is positive - for Mouse and Connie are most important of all now, so thank you in anticipation of her getting stronger and stronger from them…..

31/5/07 Surrounded by Healing Energy

31 May 2007 10:32

Connie was X Rayed today and there is some movement of the bone against the plate. It’s now a question of how the young bone stabilises and strengthens around the plate & screws. Because foals grow so rapidly, a frequent change of the cast is necessary, otherwise significant sores could develop. The next is due on Sunday. And of course each intervention requires that both mare and foal are well sedated. Luckily Connie has got into a routine of immediately seeking milk as she comes round...

Overall the surgeon is pleased with progress. Connie has always fed well, never needed painkillers and is incredibly good about all the handling. Equally the patience that Rossdales's showed with my daily calls for an update is remarkable!!

Meanwhile, in parallel to the 'Horspital' work I have been letting people know about the situation and asking them to simply send positive healing thoughts. Holistic vet Nick Thompson immediately sent the appropriate homeopathic remedy to support bone healing, and provided a spray on tincture - after all how can you feed tablets to a foal that only knows how to suckle!

Animal Communicator and healer Margrit Coates has also been instant in her support.

I wrote to her that I even thought I could feel her energy. Then, sitting on a bendy bus in London rather late for work one morning, I was suddenly became aware of this most amazing feeling of peace and calm, deep joy. It was 10.30. I rang her a little later and described the feeling - silence. Then she told me that at 10.32 she had sent me an email telling me she had just been sending healing to Connie - and that was what I was picking up.... Honestly - it's true!!

It was confirmation for me at least of how connected I am with this vulnerable little foal. And it is an interesting demonstration of Rupert Sheldrakes's explanation of morphic resonance !! A most amazing experience.....

28/5/07 Why?

Sorry for the silence – it has not been easy to update anyone these last couple of days....

The morning after the birth the foal’s near foreleg looked odd, we called the vet, decided to Xray, drove them to the surgery, and we were all gutted to see it was a badly fractured pastern bone. Possibly an unfortunate tread by Mouse, although there was no external evidence....

Despite the odds being loaded against a full recovery I decided I have to give her a chance. On Sunday we drove them (in the pouring rain) to Rossdales at Newmarket where little ‘Connie’, at less than 2 days old, underwent 2 hours of surgery to plate and screw the bone together. The operation by Andy Bathe went well, and she is up and feeding well, ‘comfortable’, standing evenly on both legs, but we have the risk of infection or collapse when the cast comes off etc. The odds are 60% against her surviving this stage, and about 10% for being sound enough to be rideable long term... no wonder other foals in this situation are simply put down.

Already she seems to be a tough little thing - and she needs to be. They stay at Newmarket for 3 – 4 weeks, so please add them to your prayers & blessings.

As a postscript, it is maybe helpful to add at this point that this little horse was always bred with the intention that she would stay with me for life, a friend whether she competes, is rideable or whatever, a mother if it feels right in time. She is Oskar’s aunt and Mouse's foal - her connection to earth... There are some fun stories about how Mouse let us know she wanted a foal and chose the stallion.... And since she conceived first time against the odds... with frozen semen from a stallion who died the week previously, perhap these stories need adding. However, in summary, this little foal is special to me and has a home for life.

25 May at 11.35pm...

I had the rare joy of seeing Mouse’s bay filly foal born late on Friday night, a text book birth. The vet popped around at the news (he lives just up the road and, after all, he had created this moment in a certain way, eleven and a half months previously….)

Everything looked so perfect. Mouse was quite transformed and so good with her foal. Not a muscle moving as the foal fumbled around trying to sort out standing and then feeding.

We tiptoed away to watch on a monitor until the foal was feeding, finally going home at c.2am